Pearly King

So the people at Petplan have spotted this rather marvellous website and requested that I, Phileas Dogg, write a piece on the subject of:  ‘What I Wish I’d Known Before I Found An Owner.’

I have agreed to do this as 1) I’m always happy to talk about me; 2) Petplan has promised lots of publicity for the site and, 3) I am to receive £50 in Amazon vouchers for my work. My first paid gig as a writer – grrrrrr-huzzah and mega amaze-bones.

So let’s start with the number one thing I wish I’d known. It’s this: when Jane first dressed me up in AN OUTFIT, I should have made my displeasure apparent in the most vociferous and vocal terms, instead of standing meekly and bemused and allowing myself to be clad as a Beefeater.

I should have sprinted to the furthest reaches of the park, hidden under a well-appointed tree and refused to budge until the blimin’ Beefeater costume was safely back in its bag. Then I should have howled like a hellhound every time a flash of red appeared from that bag and fluttered in my direction.

But I didn’t know where Jane’s ambitions would veer and so I strode, unsuspectingly, into the role of dressed up dog. Here is the most recent manifestation of this evil: me, dressed as a Pearly Dog, at the Angel Canal Boat Festival yesterday.

dogs dressed up, dog costumes uk, dog dressed as pearly king london, pearly king outfit dogs

What other pearls of wisdom do I wish I’d known?

  • That jellyfish on Ettrick Bay on the Isle of Bute are best avoided and will cause vomiting within approximately a minute of consumption.
  • That cats have bloody sharp claws and aren’t afraid to use them. Devil-cat Dodger gave me a good old lash on my snout within a couple of days of my arrival in my new home. He hasn’t tried it in the three years since – good thing for him too, because, if he does, I’m ready. I put at least five minutes of every day into thinking about what I will do to the little bugger if he claws me again.
  • I wish I’d known that, should I disappear for 40 minutes on a walk in Epping Forest, Jane will suffer a nervous collapse, weep over total strangers, recount her terrible relationship history with men to them and generally behave like the heroine of a Victorian novel in desperate need of smelling salts. I would like to say this has taught me that I will never, ever run away in Epping Forest again. But I can’t because there were so many fine smells there and I am a terrier.

So that’s what I wish I’d known. Here is what Jane should have known before accepting me into her life.

  • Do not take me to Epping Forest. It is too exciting for me.
  • Do not leave a dog training manual lying around. I will chew it to a pulp. I do not wish to be trained.
  • Ditto dog training classes. I do not want to go. And if you make me go I will act the goat and embarrass you.
  • I require at least three quarters of a double bed to stretch out properly in the night.
  • Post my arrival, you will never be able to take pleasure in a meal again as I will stare at you, throughout the repast, pleading with my mournful eyes for just one tasty morsel. And the guilt will make you hand over a chunk of chicken Kiev to me.

No More Pictures.....

 

Attlee’s Pearly King costume was made by Annie at Annie2Pins. Annie’s website is at www.annie2pins.co.uk; enquiries on 07958 668868

 


4 Responses

  1. Holly says:

    Attlee, i’m sorry you didn’t like your costume because you looked really cute! Love it. You’re a funny pup.

  2. Holly says:

    I would love either one! My dog Star would like to meet you, too. The cat, not so much. 😉

  3. Thanks for the tips! Your blog post has been really helpful to me. I have got two toy breed dogs of my own and, due to my inexperience as a new pet owner, have made several mistakes in their dog training along the way. It’s certainly true that it’s the human being who needs training more than the puppy! I will certainly return to your blog for even more helpful pointers.

Leave a Reply