The Crown Jewels in the Tower of London are safe tonight: I, Attlee Common, am on guard in my role as Yeoman Wagger and Beefeater expawdinaire. And, in recompense for my services, I understand that the Queen of England will invite me to eat as much meat from the royal table as I like, for this is a Beefeater’s ancient right and one I intend to take full advantage of.
So imagine my disappointment when Jane leads me away from the Tower of London (does she not care for the safety of the Crown Jewels? I have already identified several undesirables in the vicinity I must keep a sharp eye on as dusk falls)and tells me my stint as a Beefeater was merely a photo opportunity and instead we are off to review some dog-friendly accommodation a one-minute walk away from the Tower.
I have rather a beef with this – until, that is, we enter the foyer to the Cheval Three Quays. Well this is posh. Marble floors, mirrors and a million glass baubles hanging from the ceiling – I can’t imagine even Buckingham Palace itself would be grander. We take the lift to the fifth floor and enter our apartment for the night.
Jane gasps at the splendour of the two-bedroom apartment – I gasp at its vicinity to the Tower: the floor-to-ceiling windows and the balconies running the length of the apartment offer a dog’s eye view. Those undesirables had better not try any nefarious business this eve because I have the perfect vantage point from which to observe them. Sleep well Great Britain for the Crown Jewels are safe!
(The proprietors of Cheval have set up a bed for me in the front room of the apartment – very thoughtful, but they must understand I cannot retire as I have a vital service to our country to perform. I will, however, eat the biscuits they have set out for me. A hero needs sustenance, after all.)
Jane spends the evening gazing lazily at the view of Tower Bridge through the binoculars provided from an Eames chair (I am informed it is Eames and therefore I must not avail myself of it) and I study the Tower itself. I have to blast a few warning barks out into the deep, dark night – that gives any villains pause for thought, I can tell you.
When Jane wakes in the morning she is full of the joys of early spring, attempting to use the Nespresso machine and watching the commuters arrive by boat at Tower Millennium Pier. But, unlike the commuters, my work is already done and I am exhausted after a night on watch – exhausted, but proud. You will note, I am sure, that the Crown Jewels remained safe on the night of March 8 in the year 2015. Draw from that what you will but, if you care to thank me in any way, a bowl of beef is always gratefully received.
- Cheval Three Quays, 40 Lower Thames Street, London, EC3R 6AG.
- Prices for a one-bedroom dog-friendly apartment start from £180 per night including VAT. Tel: 0207 341 7052; www.chevalresidences.com
- Attlee’s Beefeater outfit was made by our friend Annie in the park: she accepts commissions at www.annie2pins.co.uk